It’s simpler than simple.
I smile sometimes. To myself.
I smile more often when I remember that smile of yours.
The problem lies when we want to make the simple, a little invisible.
I am normal. So, I get scared.
I am scared. Of myself. Of everyone around me.
I am scared I’ll mess it up.
I am scared I’ll ruin it all.
I am so scared that I always move everything towards ruining it.
I always think I am not good enough.
For anyone.
I like to be alone.
I like to be with myself.
I don’t like too many people.
It gives me nausea. It gives me claustrophobia.
I am scared of being around people.
I am scared of them going away from me.
I am scared of losing people.
I am scared of losing myself.
Somewhere. Somehow. Simply.
I am just so scared.
I get good dreams. And I get bad dreams.
People don’t have happily ever afters, some barely have ever afters.
Which one will I have? Ever-after? Or Happily ever-after?
Quoting a fictionary character…
We all remember our bedtime stories as kids.
“Once upon a time…..…” and then, “…….They Lived Happily Ever After”.
Fairy tales. The Dreams. The problem is fairy tales because they don’t come true.
It’s the other stories, the ones with dark and stormy nights, that end in the unspeakable... it’s the nightmares that always seem to become reality.
We lean into the fear of getting into a happy ending.
We do have happily ever afters. Just that reality is stormier. Murkier. Scarier.
We can feel the pain. We can sew the flesh. Repair the damage. Ease the pain. But when life breaks down,
We break down. There’s no science, no hard and fast rule. We just have to feel our way through.
Let’s say you love someone so much that you want to spend the rest of your life with them and then you marry them and have kids with them.
Do you think it’s always going to be the same wonderful thing that you share with them? Will you still get that same feeling you’ve always had earlier? Will you still get that same rush of blood then? Will you still look into the eye that way? Will you always feel this same kind of love for someone even then? Will you still feel so strong? Will people not cheat on each other? Why do you lose interest?
Is it sex? Emotion? Understanding? Chemistry? Trust? Passion? Or is it an assumption?
Reality. It’s so much more difficult than a bed time story.
Little pieces of you get chipped away by another person. And then you shave little pieces of yourself away so that you’ll fit together. And one day you look up but you can’t recognise yourself anymore and don’t even know who you are.
Everything has two halves. Sometimes people get but into two.
Why does something die inside you? Why do you feel dead inside? Numb. Just numb.
The more I see. The less I know. The more I like to let it go.
My questions are yet to be answered because I can’t find a lot of them.
Some things are just a bad mix but of massive proportions. So they don’t work.
Sometimes, it’s just the most terrible thing in the world.
Time heals.
By erasing every memory there is.
Life is the most fragile, unstable, unpredictable thing there is.
We are born. We live. We die.
Not necessarily In that order.
Mine is a free life, but it does get lonely sometimes.
I have fears. And they just surfaced. And it’s still just the tip of the iceberg.
Randomness helps…….in accepting certain things…….to get in touch with reality.
My Love has a new definition now.
A new depth.
If I know i'll fall, you know the depth to which i'll fall.
If I cry, you know exactly how many tears I shed.
If I make promises, you keep them for me.
If I win something, you take more pride in me than I ever could.
Sometimes experiences are not over until you tell someone.
My love is for life. And my love is for keeps.
I smile sometimes. To myself.
I smile more often when I remember that smile of yours.
The problem lies when we want to make the simple, a little invisible.
I am normal. So, I get scared.
I am scared. Of myself. Of everyone around me.
I am scared I’ll mess it up.
I am scared I’ll ruin it all.
I am so scared that I always move everything towards ruining it.
I always think I am not good enough.
For anyone.
I like to be alone.
I like to be with myself.
I don’t like too many people.
It gives me nausea. It gives me claustrophobia.
I am scared of being around people.
I am scared of them going away from me.
I am scared of losing people.
I am scared of losing myself.
Somewhere. Somehow. Simply.
I am just so scared.
I get good dreams. And I get bad dreams.
People don’t have happily ever afters, some barely have ever afters.
Which one will I have? Ever-after? Or Happily ever-after?
Quoting a fictionary character…
We all remember our bedtime stories as kids.
“Once upon a time…..…” and then, “…….They Lived Happily Ever After”.
Fairy tales. The Dreams. The problem is fairy tales because they don’t come true.
It’s the other stories, the ones with dark and stormy nights, that end in the unspeakable... it’s the nightmares that always seem to become reality.
We lean into the fear of getting into a happy ending.
We do have happily ever afters. Just that reality is stormier. Murkier. Scarier.
We can feel the pain. We can sew the flesh. Repair the damage. Ease the pain. But when life breaks down,
We break down. There’s no science, no hard and fast rule. We just have to feel our way through.
Let’s say you love someone so much that you want to spend the rest of your life with them and then you marry them and have kids with them.
Do you think it’s always going to be the same wonderful thing that you share with them? Will you still get that same feeling you’ve always had earlier? Will you still get that same rush of blood then? Will you still look into the eye that way? Will you always feel this same kind of love for someone even then? Will you still feel so strong? Will people not cheat on each other? Why do you lose interest?
Is it sex? Emotion? Understanding? Chemistry? Trust? Passion? Or is it an assumption?
Reality. It’s so much more difficult than a bed time story.
Little pieces of you get chipped away by another person. And then you shave little pieces of yourself away so that you’ll fit together. And one day you look up but you can’t recognise yourself anymore and don’t even know who you are.
Everything has two halves. Sometimes people get but into two.
Why does something die inside you? Why do you feel dead inside? Numb. Just numb.
The more I see. The less I know. The more I like to let it go.
My questions are yet to be answered because I can’t find a lot of them.
Some things are just a bad mix but of massive proportions. So they don’t work.
Sometimes, it’s just the most terrible thing in the world.
Time heals.
By erasing every memory there is.
Life is the most fragile, unstable, unpredictable thing there is.
We are born. We live. We die.
Not necessarily In that order.
Mine is a free life, but it does get lonely sometimes.
I have fears. And they just surfaced. And it’s still just the tip of the iceberg.
Randomness helps…….in accepting certain things…….to get in touch with reality.
My Love has a new definition now.
A new depth.
If I know i'll fall, you know the depth to which i'll fall.
If I cry, you know exactly how many tears I shed.
If I make promises, you keep them for me.
If I win something, you take more pride in me than I ever could.
Sometimes experiences are not over until you tell someone.
My love is for life. And my love is for keeps.
the fears. everyone has them. it's pretty simple. you want to feel the same way you feel now a year later. or maybe 5 years later. even 20.
ReplyDeletecoming from my fairytale world, it happens. for i have seen it happen. won't bore you with examples. he he he.
and believe me, 20 years down the time, that is one face which won't die.